Reviewer: James L.

I only saw my dad spit up coffee once, and that’s when I asked about Spanish Fly. We were at the dinner table, talking about normal ordinary matters. Perhaps it was taco night, and Mom had served that weird Spanish Rice that seemed like ordinary rice drowned in thin ketchup, and that prompted the question. I knew it wasn’t an insect, but some sort of spray. You would put Spanish Fly on something and then something happened, but I wasn’t quite sure what. Girls seemed to be involved. I was ten.

He asked where I’d heard about that. I said it was on a Bill Cosby record. They were talking about Spanish Fly. What was it? He must have signed and wondered if he’d have to give the Newhart records a second listen, too.

Spanish Fly was the first thing I thought about when I slid “Cooking with Aphrodisiacs” into the DVD drawer. It would be handy if it came in spray form; you could use to grease the skillet. So to speak. But the disk would probably concern those old staples of lore – the oysters, which seem about as sexy as a tuberculosis loogie, and Ginger, which the ancients thought stirred the passions. Of course, it did no such thing. People probably bathed before dinner, for a change, but we don’t consider water an aphrodisiac.

Why anyone takes the word of the ancients on these matters is a mystery. Perhaps they believed that cauliflower increased potency and desire; they also thought the world rested on the back of a gigantic turtle. If I want scientific advice on which foods increase desire, I’ll go to civilizations that invented space travel, cheerleaders, and Jack Daniels. Because they’re less likely to insist that horseradish is sexy because the guys who smeared themselves with blue paint and yelled at the sun said so.

Other suspicion: this disk is aimed at women. For many women, talking about food has an aphrodisiac effect. The actual consumption has the opposite effect, because now they feel fat. This is not to say men are immune to the erotic implications of food; give them a hot dog and an onion ring, and it’s hours of laughter.

Chapter One: Aphrodisiacs 101. Right away, we hit a stumbling block the size of Gibraltar, for the first entry is “asparagus.”

Says our hostess: “It’s by far one of the more phallic vegetables you’ll find on your dinner plate. The long, slender stalks stand at attention, waiting to be plucked.” After this we see her put some on the cutting board and chop them with a gigantic knife. I’m getting a mixed message here. Let’s move along.

Avocados. Our hostess tells us that the Aztecs called the avocado tree “the testicle tree.” Okay, now guac’s off the menu. She notes that a mummy was found with avocado seeds, and some theorized that the ancients believed the avocado’s erotic powers might be useful in the afterlife. Perhaps so, but I’m too much of a modern Western rationalist, and I’m here to tell you that any society that puts seeds in the pocket of a dead guy so he can facilitate whoopee in heaven has nothing to tell me about getting a date in the mood. Of course the Aztecs called them testicles. It’s not like they had an overabundance of objects against which to match the shape. Some primitive societies probably called the moon the Sky Boobie. So?

Artichokes: they were created when Zeus caught his mistress sneaking back to earth to see her family. He was so furious he turned her into an artichoke. Oh, great: so it’s an aphrodisiac with battered-woman syndrome.

Oysters: the hostess explains that many think they’re erotic because they resemble, er, female parts. This is followed by a shot of eight oysters. The association forced by that statement and the subsequent image is sufficient to make any impressionable young boy swear off sex until he is blind. Don’t the shells cut you? Why is there ice?

Enough. We move on the drinks section, which is hosted by a fellow with hypnotic eyebrows; you cannot stop watching them. His entire face seems to be an eyebrow-support system. What’s he making? Oh ho! Spanish Coffee! Might it contain Iberian fly, as well? No. Kahlua, rum, sugar, coffee, and some pyrotechnics – you have to set the drink on fire, then toss cinnamon into the flames to produce sparkles. Note to guys: putting a Black Cat in a half-consumed can of Bud will not have the same effect.

Production values: excellent. It’s one of the best-shot instructional videos I’ve seen. It says it’s shot in HD, and I believe it. Presenters: the bartender guy's charms were lost on me. The main presenter has a great voice, sultry without being suggestive, but she has the manner of one of those people on cable shows who talk about marital aids in a matter-of-fact fashion. Bottom line: women will love it. Men will wonder where they can get Cheetos with Spanish Fly.

Reviewer: Dan M.

I'm not sure how good/bad the above video is, but if the review by James L. was any funnier I'd be looking for his stand-up DVDs on the site somewhere. Nice job, James!

Reviewer: Michele B.

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